Monday, June 30, 2014

I'm Back, I Have Some Things On My Mind

"Last time we met was a low lit room,
We were as close together as a bride and groom,
We ate the food, we drank the wine,
Everyone having a good time,
Except you,
You were talking about the end of the world,"
                --U2 "Until the End of the World" from Achtung Baby

The "you" Bono was singing about could be me.

Many people feel as though it is.  Not necessarily because of my obsession with the afterlife or lack thereof, but my "poor me" attitude and habit of seeking out the worst possible outcome. Then dwelling on it.

I hate that.

That's not the person I want to be.

I am trying to change, but you can't change who you are wired to be or who you have become over decades of experiences and countless thoughts overnight.

So, with credit to my sister, I discovered this movement, if you will, called 100happydays.  Simply put, I find something to be happy about everyday, picture it and post it publicly. (I used picture as a verb, I know)

My objective is to make it a purpose to seek the good instead of the bad.  Like a best friend, Chris recommended, "slowly increase the good until you crowd out the bad."

I am over 70 days in and I have made a number of observations.

It isn't as easy as it sounds, but it isn't that difficult.  It becomes habit. I am not looking forward to when it ends on Day 100 sat all which I think is good.

The structure of it helps people like me.  I can't just go and do it.  I need to quantify it and make it a task driven routine.  I need to keep count and I need to put it on my daily "to do" list.

I have realized some seriously important things.  My kids mean the world to me.  I already knew this and could have told you this, but noticing that they make up 90% of what makes my days happy proves it out and smacks me in the face.  It also serves as a much needed reminder as I go experience the negative and very real aspects of fatherhood that suck.  Particularly, demonic possession of my son. Or the overwhelming feelings I get from lack of sleep, crying kids that never seem to stop, uncooperative massacres of bedtime and so on.

I can't help but dwell on how much I hate these moments but this practice forces me not too.

I often hear how we need to train our brains.  Many times self-talk can do this.  Recognizing when we start to repeat unwanted thought patterns and purposely changing them making ourselves think the right thoughts. I notice that outwardly some people have noticed a change but I am not feeling it inwardly.

"Patience you must have my young Padawon." --Yoda

My goal continues to be that I will *think* better at some point too.

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I suppose I am due to rant about the state of education in our state and country.  I am more and more  bothered by the politicians and their inability to understand the complexity of education and the damage the emphasis on testing has caused, not helped.

More and more, policy is invading my classroom and having a negative impact.

People on the outside that want what is best are confused.  They hear one thing from teachers, another from the pundits and politicians and money, and partisan politics get involved and muddy the water even more.

Parents want their kids to be safe and learn at school.  Employers want a capable workforce.  Believe it or not teachers want to help develop critically thinking, independent learners eager to work hard.

But I find more and more people looking at teachers as an enemy instead of a teammate because they are drowning in sensationalist news patterns.

I'll just leave it at this, the day teachers and parents truly look at each other as teammates and the children are truly held accountable at home and school, understanding the teacher and parent are a unified team and their education is a valued part of their life, things will get better with or without standardized tests or ........ I won't go there.

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I like how my father approaches things. I want to use him as a model.  It isn't too complicated either.

First, he really tries to do the right thing and he goes out of his way to do so and leaves it at that.

Second, he uses backs of envelopes or index cards to make lists and record thoughts or ideas keeping things organized in our constantly thinking heads.

Third, his religion is simple.  He has a place he goes where he feels God or his higher power or the universe. He reflects with it.  He believes it exists because he feels it.  That's it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He doesn't care about anything else.  He feels refreshed, filled and not alone just by those walks to his place of solitude and serenity.  I can't get with that.

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This 2014 World Cup is amazing.  Having the U.S. advancing out of the "Group of Death" has only ignited the interest more.  It has taken the feel of the NCAA college basketball tournament in March.  We have had that wonderful feeling of being able to watch all these other games, and there have been some thrillers, with the joy of knowing our team is alive.

That is my favorite part of March Madness. I get bonus time this summer enjoying it with soccer!

This is not long after enjoying a thrilling playoff series for my Columbus Blue Jackets in hockey.

Suddenly, I have two sports that are relatively new to me to dive into and learn.  It has taken me back to grade school when the NBA, NFL and MLB were new to me.  Back before the layers of heartbreak and bitterness and disenchanted feelings piled up on each other.

I am still naive to the negatives of the two sports and I am aware they exist.  But right now, I am a wide eyed freshmen genuinely cheering for my country and team and loving all the new rules, terms and strategies and learning why they do what they do and appreciating the beauty of a slap shot, one timer, header, set play, penalty kick or save.

It is refreshing and it is a trip back to a fun time in my life discovering sports that are now common place for me.

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This summer marks a decade since my life was turned upside down.  It was the end of a two year stint of pain and series of negative experiences that shaped me drastically.

I began my time as a single father divorcing my wife at the time.  I was in the process of doing a lot of growing up and had a ton of growing up ahead of me.

I'm proud of where I have come.  Things didn't get easy, but they got better.

Right now I am struggling with these bad feelings that something will go wrong.  I have no idea what and my suspicions are tricky to navigate.  I do not know where these premonitions are coming from but when I have had them in the past, they have come true in one form or another.

Needless to say, I'm dealing with a good bit of anxiety about all of this.

But looking back, I need to remind myself of the Summer of '04 and how fondly I remember how I successfully handled that time of transition.  I did it then.  I even handled more difficulty later with the losses of loved ones and more health scares, damage to the house, theft, selling an unsellable house in a bad market and the burdens that come with parenthood.

If I did it then, I can do it again with whatever happens. The hard part is convincing myself of this.

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